The Adventures of E & A - And that's our Saturday night...
We poked. We prodded. We probed. And yes, we smacked it.
My good friend E sent me an email this morning detailing the events of her and her friend's Saturday night. I fell out of my chair laughing. What follows is a sparely edited copy of that email. I've asked her if she'll contribute to doodlemonger.com on a regular basis and so far she's agreed. The Adventures of E & A may just be a regular item. Prepare yourselves.
So. It's Saturday night. And we're bored. Who are we? E and A. As you know, when we're bored, things don't stay boring for long...
It was around 8. J had just left. We were sitting at the kitchen table, reading J's new issue of Men's Health. You know, we just wanted some quick sex tips and to check out the hot guys... then, it happened...
... ... ...
"Hey!" E said. "Here's an article about what they do at the condom factory!"
"Neat! Let's read it!" answered A.
We proceeded to read all about the process by which condoms are tested. If you could picture the number of fingers that touch your condom before yours do, you'd be a little disgusted. Well, maybe you'd be turned on. Who knows. Keep it to yourself. Anyway, they probe, prod, poke, and punch those babies
before they're squirted with spermicide and wrapped up like little Christmas packages. Yep.So... being the kinesthetic learners we are, and curious about condoms' durability, we decided to test this very concept.
We snuck into J's goodie drawer and selected our guinea pig: Mr. Durex Natural Sensation. (Nope, neither of us had any handy. That's how exciting our sex lives are right now.)
A wildly ripped open the package while E giggled. Then, they ran to the sink and filled it up with about two cups of tap water. Suddenly, the possibilities for fun seemed endless!
We poked.
We prodded.
We probed.
And yes, we smacked it.
We called people and asked them to identify the unique and somewhat exquisite sound effect that you too can create at home by filling a condom with water, smacking it around, and listening to the joyous tone of water slapping its latex cage.
We inserted our entire hands in the condom, and dangled the water-filled sac from our fists like yo-yos at a Bird in Hand contest. Did you know, by the way, that condoms can stretch a good three to three and a half feet and return to original dimensions?
And guess what? We had fun for about half an hour, without the condom bursting.
We also figured out a nice way of creating fake boobs at home: fill a condom with water. Knot off the top. Insert in bra. Notice that the sperm receptacle makes a nifty nipple! And when we did the "feel the fake boob, feel the real boob" test, the condom juggies felt just as nice as the four natural ones we had between us.
However, our fun was cut short (or did it just begin?) when we noticed that our handy Mr. Durex had sprung a leak. Yes, while E was on the phone with her mother A was swinging the condom around and around, and it sprung a small leak. A had just enough time to notice when it exploded all over her lap. Yes, it prematurely ejaculated all over her pants. Soaked 'em straight through. E, too, exploded. With laughter, that is. E's mom can no longer hear out of her left ear, by the way.
So, A dropped her pants around her ankles (because it's about 50 degrees in the house and the wind-chill factor, combined with the exquisite pleasure created by about two cups of water diluted with spermicide soaking your nether regions is not so fun), and laughed. And laughed. And laughed, amidst water, spermicide, and about three pieces of burst latex.
Lessons learned:
- If you're going to have rough, wild, wet sex that includes spanking your condom-covered penis, switch to something more intimate and loving after half an hour, or the condom will burst.
- If you're going to have rough, wild, wet sex, a Mr. Durex Natural Sensation could come in handy, to guard against disease, etc. But only for half an hour.
- The sensation of a fingernail across the pad of your thumb feels no different than the sensation of a fingernail across the pad of your condom-covered thumb. So quit complaining, gentlemen.
- Hung dudes take note: those condoms are built for stretch. And do we mean S-T-R-E-T-C-H. Wow. Wowee.
- Men's Health had a feature that pointed out that women who snort when they laugh are less inhibited and more fun in bed. We know that this has nothing to do with condoms, but we found it interesting that we both snort when we laugh. Heh.
- Men's Health = Cosmo for men. Good articles.
- Just when the funniest thing all week has happened, all of your friends are either unavailable, in Canada, in Ireland, or missing. So you have email people about it, and wait for the deferred gratification of their email reactions.
And that's our Saturday night.